Nostalgia

I've become obsessed with the past. Not just "the" past, but specifically my past. It's a strange thing. I don't quite understand it. I've been on an oldies kick the past few weeks since I started compiling a collection of favorite pop songs from the 1980s. I thought this wave of nostalgia had been inspired perhaps by Christmas, since that's usually a time when memories of old get stirred up. But now I realize this started earlier.

A couple of months ago, I went to see Rebel Without A Cause in Hollywood and it got me thinking about James Dean and what a huge fan I was as a teenager. I used to dress like him, talk like him; I wanted to emulate him as much as possible. I fancied myself as an actor in those days so who better to serve as an actor's role model? Well, Brando was the other choice!

Before both of them, my great adolescent hero was Cary Grant. I've been dreaming of him and those days this weekend since it is the 100th anniversary of his birth. What a great character he was. Again, I tried to copy his every move and expression into my personal vocabulary. I watched a couple Cary Grant movies this weekend to celebrate.

Of course my all-time best role model as a little kid was Mister Rogers, who passed away early last year. His death was so upsetting to me, surprisingly so. I really felt like part of me had died with him. He had a profound influence on my life, not just in the words of wisdom and self-esteem that he is so famously revered for, but also for his persona and his tastes. Listening to some piano jazz this evening made me realize that the music on Mister Rogers was perhaps the first jazz music I had heard. No wonder I love cheesy cocktail music so much! I received a little Mister Rogers quote book in my stocking this year. It's been quite fun and meaningful to browse through it.

When I was at the movie store deciding which Cary Grant movie to buy, I came across a couple of my favorites as a kid that I thought had gone out of print since 9/11. First was The Towering Inferno, which features a whole slew of megastars. At the time I was morbidly fascinated by the death and destruction portrayed in that film. It doesn't intrigue me much now, having seen the real thing on TV, but I did feel pangs of nostalgia holding that movie in my hands. I didn't buy it though.

The other one I wanted to buy, but resisted, was the 1976 remake of King Kong, or "the Jessica Lange version" as I've come to call it. I loved that film when I was a kid. I was fascinated by the story, especially the violent ending atop the World Trade Center towers. Those towers were so mysterious and mesmerizing to me. Ironically, that film is now an historical document. I'll probably add it to the collection eventually just for that reason.

Another movie from my youth that I've wanted to see was Frank Langella's version of Dracula from 1979. I loved horror movies back then, obviously, and this one was a favorite. I've been eager to see it again ever since I started reading Bram Stoker's Dracula. I haven't finished the book yet, though it's been a lot of fun to read, and I hope to watch the Langella film again as soon as I finish. I loved Laurence Olivier's Van Helsing in that film. I picture him a lot as I'm reading the original story.

I saw Ridley Scott's Alien a month or two ago and that was another revisit to the past. Also Randy and Heather kindly rented me All Creatures Great and Small a few weeks ago from Netflix. I adored that show as a teenager.

At the video store, I held in my hands so many DVDs of movies I loved as a kid. It took me forever to choose a Cary Grant movie to buy since I knew all of them well, but I had a limited budget to work with. I resisted the temptation to overspend and I put back more than I ended up buying. It was nice to feel that connection with my younger self, if only for a few moments, but I knew repeating something would never be as special as experiencing it the first time.

When I started writing this, I felt a little worried about my recent obsessions over the past. Now I'm not so concerned. I'm not sure if this is just me going through a stage (early midlife crisis?!) or if it's something in the air. In a sense I'm trying to recreate my youth. I guess my life, and the world, is so uncertain these days that one naturally longs for the familiar episodes of the past.

It's nice to relive the glory days every now and again. Then we must put away childish things and keep moving forward. Those "childish things" are symbols, artifacts. They are not memories. They serve as a security blanket to keep us warm in a cold, cold world.