Leave Kurt Vonnegut Alone

Kurt Vonnegut's hometown - Indianapolis, Indiana - is sponsoring a year of reading the author's work. But I think the 84-year-old just wants to be left alone:

“I’ve said everything I have to say and I’m completely in print,” he said. “Look, I’m old. Joe Namath isn’t passing footballs in the crowds anymore. You ought to see what Mozart looks like by now. I’m old, for God’s sake — I’m terribly tired.”

How to Hang Someone?

I've had so many people ask me that question before. Now at last, here is the answer!

Horny Amish Guy

Met the strangest man on Hollywood Boulevard today. He claimed to be an Amish from Michigan. He certainly looked the part, with plain black clothes, a big black hat, and a long grey beard with no moustache. I'd put him in his mid-to-late-60s.

It was odd enough to see an Amish person walking the Boulevard (we certainly see plenty of crazies around here) but I was not expecting him to ask me so many questions about sex! Turns out he was hoping to see some real life prostitutes in Hollywood. He already knew that the girls work on Sunset Blvd and the boys work on Santa Monica Blvd.

Then he started asking more personal questions about sexual practices and positions, especially sex between men. "Is it true that usually one of the men takes the feminine role during sex?" he asked. "I never screwed another woman besides my wife, so this is all new to me." I was trying to be polite and helpful to the old guy, but he started creeping me out. He told me he had trouble maintaining an erection and had tried using a penis pump but it hurt too bad. He also began asking questions about my sex life! Finally, we got busy with other customers in the store so he left.

The next day one of my co-workers called to tell me that Horny Amish Guy came back looking for me: "Where's the guy who answered all my questions?" Luckily I was off that day, so he tried to get information from my colleagues, but they were less forthcoming. Mr. Amish wanted to know the location of the homeless youth hostels in Hollywood. What a perve, eh?!

Whoops: A Poopy!

File this post under "Too Much Information."

Have you ever had the experience where you feel like you're going to fart and then more than air comes out of your ass? Well that happened to me today.

I was working in Hollywood about to start a tour when I felt a little fart starting to sneak out of my bum. Well, turns out it was a juicy one with a little heft to it. I wasn't really sure what had happened and with my customers standing right in front of me waiting to begin the tour, there wasn't much I could do about it at the time.

Unfortunately it was several hours later before I could excuse myself to the men's room. I'll be damned if I hadn't soiled my underpants! It was just a little bit of poo, but enough to cake my underside and leave the crotch of my underwear crusty. I warned you this was TMI!!

I felt like such an idiot -- an infant! Guess I better start wearing Depends undergarments for adults. I know I'm getting older but this is ridiculous. At this rate, I'll be in a nursing home by the time I'm 40. Oy gevalt!

Saddam Hussein R.I.P.

Dear Saddam,

How I miss you already!

Here's a cute and informative video depicting Saddam's first contact with the CIA back in the '50s (!) and his subsequent rise to power.

Thanks for the memories!