Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Birthday Present

You'll never guess what I got myself for my birthday this year....a big honkin' zit! That's right, a zit. It's more than just a pimple and it is way too big to be called a blemish. "A third eye" is more like it. This one's been coming on for a few days, positioned very noticeably on the left side of my nose. I wish I had a picture to post.

It was one of those deep pimples that takes a few days to surface. I knew it was coming when the spot on my nose felt tender and sore to the touch. It was just a flat red spot then. Now it's a frickin' Vesuvius with a huge white head capping the top. Lovely.

I'm expecting an eruption later today, probably during class. My students will be sitting there listening, then suddenly everyone will tune out what I'm saying and they won't be able to stop staring at my nose. Then, in that embarrassing, Rudolph moment, I'll think to myself: "Happy Birthday, Scottydude!"

Monday, December 15, 2003

Has Anybody Here Seen My Old Friend Lousy?

If so, please tell him to come home! I haven't seen Lousy in at least three days. He often stays out all day and all night, but he usually comes home at least once a day to eat, drink water, and get a few rubs before heading back out into the wild.

He's an adventurous lad and prone to getting into trouble. Last week he came home all messed up with some weird gunk on his head and parts of his body. He was so sick that he stayed home and slept for three days straight. The left side of his face was quite swollen. Then he wandered out one afternoon for a short while but came back in to spend the night. The gunk on his head turned out to be some sort of puss coming from a wound on his forehead. It started to erupt one evening and I had to wipe it off. The next day that spot was scabby and the hair was matted down. But I knew he was feeling better because he had more energy and he wanted to go outside again. I haven't seen him since.

Ironically, I recently learned a Japanese fairy tale from one of my students about a cat who is very happy with his owner and when he gets old and sick, he comes to his owner to say goodbye then goes off alone to die.
Too Many Movies

There's too many damn movies this year! Every year the studios save their best and brightest films, meaning those that might earn Oscar nominations, for the holiday season in the hopes that these films will stay in Academy members' minds come ballot time.

Two more factors are affecting the glut of Oscar hopefuls in theaters now. First, the Oscars ceremony is being moved up a month earlier next year, which means there is less time for voters to see the films; and secondly (perhaps more significantly), the MPAA has announced that studios will not distribute screener copies of films to critics and award ceremony groups (outside of the Academy) because of piracy concerns.

This deeply affects smaller films that depend greatly on screeners to get their films seen. Some studios have re-released their trophy films into theaters and set up special screenings for award voters who would typically watch the movie in the comfort of their own homes.

I can only hope this means we have an overabundance of good movies out there because there are dozens of "important" films showing right now, and several of the big Christmas releases haven't even opened yet. What's impressive is the wide variety of films in each genre and budget class. There are major studio blockbusters alongside family comedies, human dramas, independent features, documentaries, foreign films, and so on.

I must say this year has been great for little films. Adult audiences seem to have grown weary of the teenage boy shoot-'em-ups that have dominated the multiplexes the past few years. We still have the Matrixes and the Lords of the Rings, but those films seem to have lost a little of their luster in the mass market. The biz seems to be moving toward niche marketing, an attempt to reach every demographic group concurrently.

It's great for people like me who love movies but get sick of all the Spiderman knock-offs. Personally, I found the first Lord of the Rings film to be painfully boring and tedious. How many creepy crawly ghouls can one person handle in a single sitting?! No thanks. I skipped LOTR 2 and have no plans to see the third installment. Same with The Matrix. I LOVED the first one for its unique action and deeply philosophical storyline. It was a great mind-body combination. However, the creators apparently believed their own hype and the series has turned into every CGI soap opera out there since Star Wars Episode I. The second Matrix was passable but uninspiring; the third one looks so disappointing that I haven't bothered.

That's not to say I'm against epic blockbusters, not at all. But nowadays I'm more interested in human stories, not cartoons, and if a human story can be told on a grand scale, a la Master and Commander or The Last Samurai (two movies on my list that I haven't seen), then I'm all for it.

The question now is one of time. What working adult could possibly spare the time, not to mention the expense, to see all or even some of the films out right now, especially during the mad Christmas shopping season? It's infuriating!

Note to Hollywood: There's too many damn movies!!

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Ol' Blue Eyes

December the 12th is the birthday of Francis Albert Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board!! Sleep warm, Frank, wherever you are.....

....Dec 12 is also my Uncle Gene's birthday....Happy Birthday, Uncle!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Aunt Martha

My dear Aunt Martha passed peacefully from this world early this morning. She had been battling ovarian cancer since 1999. My mother was by her side as she went.

Aunt Martha was the matriarch of my mother's family. A former special education teacher, Martha Barrett went on to become the president of the Texas State Teacher's Union. She spent her life advocating fair treatment and proper working conditions for public school teachers. She was known for her strength and leadership and she never liked to waste time. In fact, it was only two days ago that the doctors told her there was nothing more they could do to treat her cancer. I can just hear her saying, "Well, if I'm gonna die, let's get goin'!"

Aunt Martha is survived by her grown daughter and son, three grandchildren, three younger sisters, and her father. She was 61 years old.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Two Years

It's been almost two years since I left my wife and an unhappy marriage in San Diego. I remember the moment I realized it was really over. It was just about two years ago, just before Christmas 2001.

We were living in Oceanside, California where I was the Center Director for a little English school based at a community college. It was a cute little campus on a hill overlooking the mighty Pacific. I loved going there everyday. The views were nothing less than spectacular.

It was a fresh start for Atsue and I with a new job in a new town. I was trying to be a part of the campus community as much as possible and for fun I joined the music department's chamber chorale. It was great fun to sing during my lunch hour a couple times a week. I was at least ten years older than any of the other singers so they looked up to me as something of an elder statesman.

Atsue was very reluctant to support my interest in singing (or anything else, for that matter) and the few times she did come to hear me sing, she did so begrudgingly. We'd had our problems for a long time, almost since the very beginning of our marriage, but I never wanted to give up. I always put a happy face on things and tried harder to please her, hoping that someday she would come around.

School was about to finish for the Christmas holidays. We had our final Christmas concert on campus, which was a beautiful dressy affair set in the dining room with a stage at one end. We also had dessert and coffee for the audience, who sat at tables which the choir had decorated. We spent the whole afternoon before the show dressing up the place with decorations and poinsettias. It was lovely. Atsue refused to come.

A few days later, she dealt me another disappointment by refusing to attend my school's holiday party. I had planned for weeks to make it a special occasion for our students and teachers. Our school was struggling terribly after 9/11 and I was doing anything possible to keep students happy and enrolled. I also knew I would have to lay off a few of my dear teachers after the end of the term so this was something of a farewell party as well.

I had organized the party as a pot-luck dinner in a banquet hall on campus and all of the host families were invited to attend. There was plenty of music, food, and fun. I had prepared my family's beloved broccoli-cheese casserole, which I make every Thanksgiving to much fanfare. However, since I knew I would be at school all day, I left the casserole in the oven ready to heat so that I could swing back home and pick up the hot dish and be back in time for the party. Our apartment was only 7 minutes away from school.

Preparations for the party kept me busy all day and I realized I wouldn't be able to go home in time to bring back the casserole. I called my wife and asked her to heat the casserole and bring it to the party. She balked. After much pleading and cajoling, she finally (angrily) agreed. However, she didn't want to have any contact with the students for some reason. It was weird. She had been in social situations with the students before and since most of them were Japanese, they got along fine. At least it seemed that way. I had encouraged her to make friends with them if possible since she had almost no social life to speak of and I thought having some Japanese camaraderie would be welcome to her. I was wrong.

The party had started and I had been waiting and waiting for her to show up with the casserole. I never saw her. Finally, I snuck out to call home and she was there. She had brought the casserole to school, but instead of bringing to the party, she left it to get cold in my office! After secretly dropping off the casserole where no one would know to find it, she hurried back home to avoid being seen. I was livid!

I went back to the party and entertained the guests, then stayed to clean up afterwards. It had been a very pleasant evening. Many host families came with their kids, and our students had a lot of fun as well.

When I got home, I was very upset with my wife for her childish and inconsiderate behavior and I proceeded to tell her so. She would have none of that, however, and she erupted into a furious and scathing tirade against me and my petty attempts to build a future for us and my pathetic ambitions to be a teacher and school director. She had attacked me many times before, but this was the most poisonous and malicious outburst ever. She was saying anything she could, no matter how outrageous or untrue, just to hurt me.

Certainly I was hurt, but more than anything I was stunned. I couldn't understand where her venom and animosity toward me was coming from. She offered no explanation. This was one of the few times that I had attempted to express my anger and displeasure to her, but she wouldn't allow that and instead exploded with anger at me.

It was at this moment that I had the unexpected sensation of becoming detached from my environment. Suddenly, I was standing outside myself and her slings and arrows had no effect on me. It was as if I were in a bubble that her assaults couldn't penetrate. I sat on the floor against the wall (we had no furniture) and just stared at her as she stood over me, furiously pacing and berating me. I looked deeply into her eyes -- no, into her soul -- and I saw very clearly that this was a person who had no love for me, who had no interest in knowing me or in supporting who I was as a human being. Not only was she uninterested in loving me, she was incapable of loving me, or perhaps anyone.

After three torturous years of living with a tyranical woman and doing everything I could to make the marriage work, I finally realized that it would never ever get any better. It was over. I knew in that moment that I had to get out of the relationship and when I surrendered to that realization, I felt an odd sense of peace. It wasn't a contented sort of peace, but it was the kind of peace you feel when you see the path before you and you know very clearly what you have to do to move down it.

The next few weeks were awkward and uncomfortable. Atsue had planned a trip to Japan for New Year's to visit her family. She would be gone for almost a month, returning in late January. Before that, though, there was Christmas with my family in Colorado. I had told them before we came that my marriage would be ending soon. I told Atsue too on our long drive to Denver, but she didn't really believe me. My darling family were just as warm and gracious as ever. We had a quiet Christmas, then I put her on the plan to Japan.

On the drive back to California, I was alone with my thoughts since Atsue had flown to Tokyo from Denver. Out on the road, in the empty wastelands of the American west, there's plenty of time to examine your life and think things through. I decided I was terribly unhappy with my job and with my living situation and I was resolved to change it immediately.

By the time I got back to Oceanside, I had already decided to quit my job and go back to school. When I got home, there was a notice on our door from the manager saying our rent would be increasing. Our six-month lease had expired and this shitty apartment with inconsistent hot water, bad plumbing, and noisy kids running around constantly was now going to cost over a thousand dollars a month. That was the last sign I needed. It was time to get out of Dodge.

The next day, I turned in my resignation letter to my boss and gave notice to the landlord that we would not renew our lease. When Atsue returned, she begged me to give her one more chance. She promised me that she would quit school and get a job to support me so I could go back to school. We found a delightful little apartment in a wonderful section of San Diego. I really liked being in SD and I was willing (but not optimistic) to give it one more try in yet another new setting.

Unsurprisingly, things broke down within a couple of weeks and I left. She didn't let me go easily, though. There was much screaming, crying, begging, pleading, and finally, clinging and dragging as she physically held on to me as I tried to walk out and she ended up chasing me to the parking lot and flinging herself against the car as I tried to drive away. That was a horrible, insane experience. It was like something out of a bad melodrama. I cried the entire way back to Los Angeles. I knew I could never go back.

It was so hard to end that relationship, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I feel much stronger because of it. I don't ever want to go through that trauma again, but I know I could if I had to. It's been almost a year since the divorce was finalized and about a year and a half since I last saw her or had any contact with her. I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. And honestly, I don't much care.

Life is not any easier now than it was then, but at least I'm myself again. I feel so much happier and healthier, and stronger. Most importantly, I'm able to spend time with my friends, who really made my recovery possible. I don't know what I would do without them.

I've had a couple of short-term girlfriends since the end of my marriage. Nothing serious, but it has been fun. Will I ever marry again? Possibly, but I'm not in any hurry. I'm not really interested in dating even. I don't have to be in a relationship to feel good about myself. And I don't feel like compromising my identity in order to please someone else or to earn their approval. As conceited as it sounds, I'm contented to be single and to have my little social life and to enjoy being ME. Like Mr. Rogers always said, "I like you just the way you are!"

Monday, December 08, 2003

Beauty Over Bucks

So Melana chose her Average Joe in tonight's series finale. I kind of had a clue during her last interview with the host, Kathy Griffin (whom I love by the way), when she said she picked "a diamond in the rough." The beautiful model guy she picked is a young waiter/student, while the average looking other guy is a rich Wall Street tycoon.

Still, when she first started talking to Jason and she looked very serious, I thought, just as he did, that he was about to get the brush off. But she surprised both of us with her choice. And who can blame her? He's gorgeous! And I loved their comments afterward, like "I'm looking forward to getting to know her more deeply this weekend," meaning "I can't wait to bang her!!" :-)

Poor rich Adam. Who knew he was a millionaire the whole time?! He was a nice guy, but kind of a goof ball. I bet he's fun to hang out with, but he didn't seem to have much sexual chemistry with her like she obviously had with Jason. She and Jason seemed ready to hump each other the moment they first met.

Adam was a real class act, I thought, and a good sport about the whole thing. He was obviously disappointed, but he was a gentleman about it. And no doubt he'll get plenty of offers from young female viewers of the show. He's rich; he can buy a new girlfriend.

I must say that I found Melana (the unsuspecting cheerleader searching for her Prince Charming) to be extremely pretentious. I mean, how couldn't they all be a little pretentious knowing that the camera was always watching, but she seemed especially phony as the weeks went on. How pathetic do you have to be to go on a TV show just to get a date? There's no promise that they'll stay together after the show -- naturally she picked the hot guy she wanted to screw more than the dorky guy.

Of course there will be Average Joe 2 coming in January! A new batch of dorks and a new superficial supermodel: what could be better? The previews of the new series reminded me of what I loved about the beginning weeks of Average Joe 1: the hysterically dorky nerds and dweebs that got picked for this show! They're endearingly pathetic. It's so funny when they look at the hot girl and instantly fall deeply in love with her. It's like "Revenge of the Nerds" all over again...Can't wait!