Feeling pretty good today cuz I got some money in the bank! Finally....

It's been a tough month financially and I'm definitely not out of the woods yet, but it just feels nice to know I can eat today if I want to. It's amazing how much liberty is denied when you don't have the dosh, and man I've felt like a prisoner for the past three weeks or so. Anywho, things are looking up for the moment so I'm going to enjoy a few days of relaxation before it's all gone again.

Strange message from my little sis last night. Sounds like Mom has decided to move to Houston to take care of my Aunt Martha. Not sure how I feel about that. I totally understand why she's going, of course. In fact, she had ruminated on that possibility months ago, even before Aunt Martha got so sick. Mom had considered moving to Texas to be closer to her sisters. And she had discussed the possibility of moving in with one of her sisters, including Aunt Martha, to save living expenses. Now the circumstances are quite different since Aunt Martha is gravely ill and who knows how long she will last, God bless her.

So it's a strange sense of transition one feels. On the one hand, it's great that Mom feels that connection with her sister and great for Aunt Martha that she will have someone available to take care of her in her final days. It's going to be so challenging for both of them I think, in ways I'm sure I can't begin to imagine.

On the other hand, I feel a sense of loss myself since my Mom won't be at "home" anymore. One's hometown is more than just the physical surroundings of a city or community. It's also about the people who live there and my family has been in Denver for the past 25 years since my Dad relocated us from Lubbock, Texas. It's strange to think that when I go "home" to Denver, my Mom won't be there. I don't know how that's going to feel. And I'm planning to go home soon -- in about three weeks. Mom may not even be there then since she's trying to get down to Houston as quickly as she can. I haven't talked with her yet, but before, she mentioned the possibility of giving up her apartment and putting all her things (and some of mine, come to think of it) in storage. God what a drag to move all that stuff. And who knows how long she'll be with Aunt Martha in Houston?

I have a feeling if she does move to Texas that she will never come back to Denver. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. It's a shame, too, since my sister is finally going to have a baby. My Mom has been waiting for years for a grandbaby and now that she's having one, she's probably going to miss the whole thing!

Oh what a fucked up life this is.

Whew! Oh my god, I thought I had lost all my blogs. Every time I logged into my blogspot today all I got was the failed comment function entry and a blank page. Even the archive links on the right didn't appear! Oh my God, I panicked. I even tried republishing the whole site, but I didn't see any difference.

Well, after letting the browser window stay open for a few minutes, finally the rest of the blogs appeared! I guess it was just taking a long time to download or something. Freaky. I was about to forever swear off blogging for fear of losing my data. Not that any of this crap is worth anything, but I've spent some time writing these, especially my emotional blog last night about my Aunt Martha. It would suck to spend all that time, effort and energy in something that wasn't going to last. But then again, permanency is such a false concept anyway.

Hope to catch up with my pal Heidster tomorrow....

trying to add a comment function, but that didn't work.

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Tough blog coming up. Had a great day with the kids today in Hollywood. It was a class field trip to visit the famous historical places in Tinseltown. Lots of fun even though the weather was quite hot. Got home to receive a tearful phone call from Mom. Seems my dear Aunt Martha, who has been battling cancer for the past three years, had emergency surgery today to relieve some of the fluid accumulating in her lungs. She had trouble breathing over the weekend and luckily Mom happened to be in Texas (where my extended family lives) for my cousin's birthday party and was able to rush Aunt Martha to the hospital. It's hard to say if the surgery was successful or not. They were able to drain the fluid; however, the doctor said they found lots of cancer in the lining of her lungs, a common side effect of ovarian cancer. He said it was so bad that they didn't even bother using chemo on it, her lungs were so deformed. There's not much they can do for her now. We'll know in the morning, hopefully, what the prognosis is.

It's sad to think of losing a wonderful Aunt of mine. She's the oldest sister in my Mom's family and Mom and all her sisters really look up to Aunt Martha as a role model. Since my Mom was sixteen when her mother died (of cancer), Aunt Martha became the matriarch of the family. She's a hell-of-a strong woman and she is a fighter. She's had a lot of hard knocks in her life -- cancer was just the latest -- but she's always come through like a champion. Like my Mom told me today, "I just never considered that she wouldn't beat [the cancer]."

Aunt Martha hasn't given up yet, but she was giving hints over the weekend that the fight may soon be over. Mom mentioned that a few times Aunt Martha made comments about what to do "after I'm gone" or "if anything happens to me." Maybe her doctor had told her the cancer was getting worse, or maybe she just knew it, felt it. It's hard to imagine what it must be like to have another organism living within you and consuming your body. It's even harder to imagine that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you just can't stop it.

I love my Aunt Martha. She's really taught me a lot over the years, about life, about hard work, about making difficult choices, always doing your best, and never giving up. She's a champion. Perhaps she's just tired of the struggle. Her quality of life has been deteriorating drastically the past couple of years. The ironic thing is that Mom said she was looking so good these days. Her hair was growing back, and she'd lost almost thirty pounds since the bloating caused by the most recent chemo. Everyone at the birthday mentioned how good she looked. But she was keeping a secret, and she insisted my Mom help keep the secret. The secret was that she couldn't breathe. Her lungs were being drained every day by the doctors, but still the fluid came back. She was also in a great deal of pain and discomfort. Mom said she couldn't sleep lying down anymore, so she had to sleep sitting up in a chair or propped up with pillows on the couch. I don't blame her for wanting this life to end. Having your fingernails fall off because of chemo and your eyes constantly overflowing with tears because the bloating has squeezed your tear ducts shut are just two minor examples of a pretty miserable way to live.

I feel sorry for my Mom who is suddenly so afraid of losing her big sister. "It's so unfair," she told me. It is unfair. It's damn unfair. Mom is making plans to return to Texas as soon as necessary. Depending on how long my Aunt Martha has left, Mom may even put her things in storage and move to Texas for a while to take care of Aunt Martha. For some reason, I don't think it's going to be that long now. I hate to sound pessimistic, but this is something I've been trying to prepare myself for, ever since she was diagnosed a few years ago.

I've had the great pleasure of seeing Aunt Martha a few times in the past couple of years, at times when she was fit as a fiddle, and at other times when she was really struggling. She was even here in LA a little less than a year ago for a meeting. We had a nice dinner in Hollywood. I hate to think that may be the last time I'll ever see her. I hate to think of anytime that might be the last time I'll ever see her.

I hope she feels better again soon. And I hope I get to see her at least one more time. I don't know what I would tell her. Except that I love her. What else matters?

ss

Wheh! Just got finished with teaching for the day. My English Online class (EOL) is always challenging, but a lot of fun, too. The test is to keep it communicative so that students don't become so absorbed in their computers that they forget to practice speaking English with their classmates.

We're pretty far into building our own webpages. I think the class was surprised by how easy it was to get started on the Internet, but also how challenging it is to make a sophisticated webpage. And we're taking baby steps here, believe me!

It's also challenging as a teacher because each student progresses at their own level, both with the language and with the computer skills. So I have to really monitor individual students to make sure they are not too bored or not too overwhelmed, depending on their individual abilities.

So Thursday, I would like to finish up the webpages for a while and let them try something a little different. I don't want to overdo it with webpages, although it is addictive stuff and one can easily get lost in the process for hours on end. I can only imagine what it will be like for me when I start building my own "real" web pages for scottydude.com. I'm way excited about that -- but daunted as well. (Is daunted an adjective?)

Oh God, I can never turn off my teacher brain!! :-)

Again I'm getting blogging peer pressure from my friend Heidster...jeesh! :0)

I don't mind really. I just haven't gotten in to the habit of blogging yet. I just wonder who I'm writing for besides myself...and Heidster. Hopefully I can get my web page online soon. I've already got the www.scottydude.com domain set up. Now I need someone to host my pages, and I do need to build my pages as well. (details, details)

I think once I have a stronger web presence I'll feel more comfortable blogging. But who knows?! I could always go back on my word. As my idol David Bowie recently said, "It's part of my entertaining factor: lying to you."

Second blog entry:

This is for Stennie, aka my dear friend Heidster. She's a "blogaholic" (hee hee), but I prefer moderation in my blogging habits. Actually, I'm just a lazy f--k who hasn't gotten into the habit of regular blogging. It's a novel concept though. Who knows...maybe I'll be an official Blogathoner in 2004!! :-)